last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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