I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My penis needs a shock collar
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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