I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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