i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
