So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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