i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
