Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize