I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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