I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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