I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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