And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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