So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
