I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
