Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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