I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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