If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
