he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
