ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
