why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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