this just has baby written all over it
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
