Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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