you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
