The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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