i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
