You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
