I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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