I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
