I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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