If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
