you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
