my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
