i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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