yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
