She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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