you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
