shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
