I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Let's paint friendship bongs
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
