She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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