What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
