I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just threw up on my dentist
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
