Ambien. No doubt about it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
