I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
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