I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
