Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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