I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
