I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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