if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
