I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
