I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
