The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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