first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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