My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
