hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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