Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
someone owes me an orgasm
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
