It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
