Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Randomize
