Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What drink are we having for lunch?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
