i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
did i walk over a car last night?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
