Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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