I wish my penis had an off switch
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
