mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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